fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's when you crack a 10am beer
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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