dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
