hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
