There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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