Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
