Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Randomize
