Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
