i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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