Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
