Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
