I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize