Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
