god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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