I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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