he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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