You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
