how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im having a threesome with these popsicles
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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