Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
