Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
