Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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