dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
