I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
