My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
