apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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