i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
