My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So. Much. Porn.
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