You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
