It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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