I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
