I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
