getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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