hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
