Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
