Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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