The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
