she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
