Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
