I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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