im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
