Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
