i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
