I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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