I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
