You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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