when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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