I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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