You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
