4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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