I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
