True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize