There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
