All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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