My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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