it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
