My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
