I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This toilet bowl is my home.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
