Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
