I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize