I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
