I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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